On days like today I am the most likely to cheat on my diet. Today I had some near misses several times but managed to only flub once.
Weight: 139 (actually lost one pound, can’t believe it)
fasting sugar: 120
Breakfast: Oatmeal-On-The-Go (220 C.) Tea w/canned milk (40 C.). Lunch: here’s where I flubbed, and I even searched Sam’s Club while I was there to see if they had any samples being handed out! They DIDN’T! AARGH! Popeye’s 3 piece nuggets (who knows how many calories – it was deep-fried, spicy and delicious) red beans and rice, and three slow bites of fried apple pie. Okay, I was good here, I didn’t eat the entire thing. Supper: Half (because of lunch) a chicken enchilada, another cup of red beans and ham (Toot! Toot!), and later when I arrived home, a glass of red Merlot (120 C). Oh! and I had a handful of pistachios. Mmmm.
I was at the Hyundai dealership across town at 8:30 with my car because my sun-visor had broken, so I was out of there by 9:30. Went to Home Depot in the middle of town to order a pedestal sink in BISQUE. They don’t have pedestal sinks in bisque. So I have to order it from the website. (I wish I’d known that ages ago, to save a trip). The sink is for the house I presently live in. I’m redoing the guest bathroom to update it to more of a period piece, more 1905, without the plumbing problems and cold, I’m sure. Then to work to pick up a grocery list.
Then back across town to my mother’s. She wanted me to go to Sam’s Club for her. I did. Then back to her place. She was dressed and ready to go to the library. On the way dropped off a manuscript for a special reader since I was in the area. After the library, out to eat (Popeye’s). What a beautiful day it was in Sugar Land. My mother and I sat in my car with the windows down and ate our chicken. I usually go to see my mother on Wednesday, but yesterday I had to wait on an inspector for one of the other homes.
After seeing my mother safely back into her sweet, senior apartment, I went home to let the dog out because it was about 2:30 and he’d been inside all day (awww). After that went to the grocery store for my job (my peeps) then to work about 4:30, though I usually try to make it a lot earlier than that, the day wouldn’t let me. Everything much smoother after that.
This was just the physical part of the day. I didn’t mention the worries, the concerns, (will I make it in time? [yes] will the dog have an accident? [no] is my car still under warranty?[yes]) I try to keep up, let it “flow” so to speak. While with the same breath attempt to watch what I eat. I know that if I can keep this up it will become a part of me and it won’t take so much effort.
Too much about diet details and I’m losing readers in droves, all three of them.
So here is a fiction story just for fun:
THE HOUSE NEXT DOOR
It might have been white once, but now the house was a flaky gray. It sat lopsided among the forest of trees next door. We’d only lived there a few weeks but my brother and I noticed the house right away. We wanted to know who lived there.
I wanted to climb the trees, build a fort, but how could I without knowing what kind of person lived there. Whether they minded or not. Wouldn’t want to go to all the trouble of building a mighty fort, only to have someone yell, or worse, tear it down. I had to know what we were up against.
My brother is a timid kind of kid. I let him hang with me but he isn’t what you’d call dependable in a fight, being the first to run away and all. But being the new kids on the block, and not knowing another soul our age, he was better than nothing.
“Stop laggin’ long behind me like a cat’s tail,” I said.
“Awwww – right,” he mumbled.
But my pep talk didn’t do any good, because he straggled along behind wherever we went, be it on foot or bike.
So with him at my elbow, I decided to re-con-noiter the next-door place. “What ‘at?” he asked when I told him what we were fixin’ to do. “It’s lookin’ to see what’s what,” I told him.
We snuck along the low fence between our two properties. We had a big wood fence along our back yard but that house had an old chain-link fence sagging this way an that, all the way from front to back of the property line.
In the deep green shadow of trees the little house seemed like a satisfied thing. It didn’t need anything or anybody. That’s how it made me feel when I studied it. It was satisfied. And creepy. I just had to know who lived there? And could we built a fort in their tree?
The trees were of the chinaberry kind. I think they’re really called tallow trees but that doesn’t make any sense at all. Why call a thing something it wasn’t when it had these real hard little seeds all over it that stung like fire if one was to get hit with one during a chinaberry war. We used to have wars in our old neighborhood. My brother never got hit much because he mostly used me as his shield but he had a good arm for throwing. I missed our old neighborhood even more thinking about it.
The yard next door hadn’t been mowed in I-couldn’t-tell-how-long, but the Queen Ann’s Lace was taller than me and there were patches of ragweed as tall as the old house where the sun struggled through the leaves and hit ground. Who would ever let their yard get into that kind ‘o condition was beyond me. There were some pretty things, too. Some red lilies encircled one tree up near the front of the house. The pungent wild onion were green, the shade so violent it hurt the eyes. We took a few days to watch the house.
It’s black eyes stared back.
Nothing was happening fast.
After two days of that, I said, “We’ve got to sneak around back.”
“What about dogs?”
“There’s no dog. We would-a heard it by now.”
“Well, er, cats?”
“What’s there to be scared o’ cats?” I know I sounded put out because he caved.
“Awwww – right.”
We snuck. Or is it sneaked? Whichever it was, we did it and ended up crawling through the worst-scratchin’ trap in the world. Some kind of vine with thorns as big as our noses kept us from getting through for some time but with perseverance and a little blood we made it. Of course, I went first so I got the most scrapes but that was okay because at least I had back-up.
First thing I noticed was it was just as shady and thick with weeds back here as in the front yard. Only here it was worse. There were paths through the ragweed, like the kind animals make. The only spot clear of vines and vegetation was the house. There was some kind of placard or sign on the back porch door. It was white with some letters in black that were too small to read from a distance so we crept up real close to see what it said. It was under a porch roof that somehow had lost some of its will to be a porch roof. It leaned down like it was protecting that back door from intruders. That’s what we were – intruders. So I was about convinced that roof was waiting for us to step closer before it collapsed and killed us.
“Okay, we’ve seen everything.” I stood tall. I’m not afraid. “Let’s go.”
“I want to see what the sign says.” He had that stubborn set to his jaw, like a terrier standing over a bone.
I nodded and inched closer. “Okay, just to read what it says.”
The door was shaded. Dark almost.
Little brother hung back while I took the two steps to the top of the porch. At the top I turned around and gave him my best glare. He shrugged and came up behind me.
So what did the sign say? It said, “I don’t eat fish. I don’t eat birds. I don’t eat anything on four legs.”
Well, after reading that I looked at Little Brother and saw his eyes go real wide just as I heard the creak of a door opening.
I don’t remember too much about flying off that porch, and scrambling through the thorns though I’m still nursing the cuts, and I don’t know if we tumbled across that chain-link fence or if I tossed Little Brother over first (which he says I did) and I don’t know how we got inside our house, lickety-split. But we did. And we’re safe. For now.
Our parents can’t understand why my brother and I choose to sit this summer out. We don’t care about the television or the computer. And forget about building forts in trees. We spend our time staring at the house next door from the safety of our upstairs window that overlooks it. We’re waiting. For what? For signs of life, maybe – or waiting to warn any other kids to keep away.
Because we know.
If you take out fish, and you take out birds, and you delete four-legged creatures, that only leaves two-legged creatures.
Just like us.
One note about the One Hundred Days to Health:
Don’t take and eat snacks at the gym. It’s like taking treats inside the dog park. Take notice – ladyinthepinktoponthetreadmill – we will attack for the snack.
I was going to do the countdown backward for drama. But it’s so boring. Today I tipped the scale at 140.6. I’ve gained five ounces. How is that possible? No, wait! It’s muscle weight from all that exercising.
I’m too bored to record what I’ve eaten. Just know it was oatmeal or salad. (Possibly 3 calories.) Except that my friend, Elizabeth, took my mother and me to lunch at Pappadeaux so it actually was a small (feeds 2 people, as opposed to medium which feeds 4 people, the large could feed a little league team if little league teams ate salad, which they wouldn’t if given a choice of anything else) Greek salad with lump crab meat. (possibly 2,000 calories).
But we won’t talk about that. It was wonderful to visit with Elizabeth and mom over ALL THE NOISE of the restaurant. By the time we left it had quieted down to three other tables. We really did have a nice time. Thank you Elizabeth!!!
This one hundred days to health is dragging. So this will be brief.
Here’s 10 Ways to cut at least 100 Calories that I snipped from a Woman’s Day Mag (January 2011):
Don’t eat the end crust on your pizza.
Switch from regular salad dressing to light.
Eat 2 egg whites instead of 2 whole eggs.
Swap you daily can of regular soda for a can of naturally flavored, calorie-free seltzer. (I vote for a bottle of water instead).
Eat your sandwiches open-faced (with only one slice of bread instead of two).
Scoop out the inside of a bagel (or buy a pkg of the “thin” bagels made specifically for sandwiches).
Leave the cheese off the sandwich.
Use an oil mister instead of pouring oil from a bottle (which reminds me I should mention – never use the aerosol spray oil on non-stick pans it ruins them.)
Eat fresh fruit instead of dried. One half-cup of raisins has more than 200 calories, but one full cup of fresh grapes has just 80.
Swap mayo for mustard. 2 Tbsp of mayo has 200 calories; 2 Tbsp of mustard has just 30. (I can understand 2 Tbsp of Mayo on a sandwich but who puts 2 Tbsp of mustard on a sandwich???)
Today: breakfast: One cup plain oatmeal, warm (95 C). Lunch: 3 chicken nuggets and a cup of peas with onions and mushrooms leftover from last night. (450 C) 14 Oz Lean Body Vanilla drink (180) Supper: 1 1/2 cup spaghetti with 3 meatballs and sauce (600 C) 1/2 cup reduced fat chips for snack. (80 c) glass of wine (95)
Today is day 5 of my countdown, one hundred days to health. I have to wake up in the morning with a plan and a determination to do this right.
I found the old can of Slim-Fast in the cupboard and gave everyone else in the house permission to eat it.
“Why? If it’s bad for you is it going to be good for me?” my husband asked. “What does this say?”
It says I hate to throw things away … but I said, “I’m not eating soy protein anymore. Only whey protein.” Thing is soy isn’t bad for people. It’s really healthy. But I’ve been eating soy products steadily for years and it could be what is contributing to my middle fat.
Seriously, I am going to be steering clear of soy products, especially products with processed soy. So I went and bought two kinds of Whey protein drinks. I tasted the one with the Spirulina in it. I have no idea what a Spirulina looks like, or what it is, but it sounds healthy, doesn’t it? I think it’s a green plant, like sprouts. I’m going to turn into a super-healthy person drinking stuff with Spirulina in it. I drink that green stuff in a bottle from the refrigerated section. No, really, it’s good. And it’s chock full of Spirulina, and sprouts.
Today, Breakfast – cooked Scottish Oats with a tablespoon of milk and less of honey. (350 C) Lunch: Dinner out with friend Shirley at Sweet Tomatoes, hungry near starvation, Loaded the dinky plate with all sorts of colorful stuff from beets (no idea the calories), carrots, peas, boiled egg, lettuce, spinach, black olives (25 calories for 3. What???) entire meal, probably 1,000 calories. Dinner, fried chicken nuggets (home-made with healthful oil – 750 C) peas and mushroom, 1/2 cup 200 C, macaroni 1/2 cup (didn’t finish – 50 C), glass of wine – 95 C
Blood sugar this morning 142 (not so good)
Walked two and a half miles on treadmill in 40 minutes. Burned 240 C.
Not so tired today.
What I learned: Fiber is essential for getting rid of cholesterol. Good foods to look for apples, black olives, onions and green tea. (pass the black olives). It’s important to eat plenty of cooked vegetables because cooking helps the veggies help the thyroid. Pomegranate juice is good forcing the system to work for you not against you.
No, I didn’t really lose two pounds. I might have been wearing my jacket when I was weighed before.
Today wasn’t so bad. I wrote down everything I ate. Breakfast: Oatmeal with cranberries and 10 almonds. (450 Cal) Lunch: raw carrots, raw peas with light Ranch dressing. 1/2 cup whole grain wild rice with ground meat (650 Cal) Supper: 6 Cold shrimp on bed of lettuce and spinach with sliced raw sweet pepper, green onion, celery, sugar-free mandarin oranges, with Vidalia onion dressing. (750 Cal) A glass of Merlot: 95 Cal
I’m learning that I must eat whole foods rather than processed. I’ve got to start reading labels! I brought home some “butter buds” today and my daughter pointed out that the number two ingredient is soy and the number three ingredient is corn syrup.
I also learned that pre-menopausal women produce a type of estrogen called estradiol. Estradiol tends to put fat on hips and butt but this is a good fat helps with insulin response. Estradiol also helps regulate hunger, so you can stay lean. Whereas post-menopausal women tend to produce estrone which shifts the fat from hips to belly. This fat works to store insulin so the body doesn’t even know it’s there so the pancreas produces erratic amounts and the blood sugar goes wild and the fat at the belly stays put and will NOT be moved. The IMMOVABLE FAT will not go, Marvin K. Mooney. I could eat a ham sandwich with mayonnaise and gain five pounds overnight, but I could quit eating for a week and not lose one pound.
This will be an uncomfortable blog. I will share more about myself than I’m used to. It won’t be pretty.
I adore comfort, don’t you? I like to be warm, bedded into softness, my feet safely tucked under blankets. I like to be fed, the cravings vanquished, the night song of satiated stomach lolling without a worry of when the next bite of food need come. I like to sleep and wake up refreshed. I like my caffeine jolt in the morning. I like my day to start so slowly that I don’t even feel it. It’s the luxurious stuff of vacation time. I strive for this.
When my children were young I did as every good mother does and made sure they had everything they needed. My husband and I worked hard to provide warmth, safety, comfort, food, love. I hurt when they hurt, was happy when they were happy. I believe my parents were the same with me. I started young in my constant quest for comfort. Not everyone in the world is so fortunate, but that’s another blog. Because this blog is about me, not starving children and puppies in India, it is about me. Comfort and nicety is boring. I hope you have guessed by now that this isn’t about comfort and nicety and so eventually it won’t be so boring, but just in case you’ve about given up and read ahead, I won’t fault you. It’s okay to skip to the juicy bits.
Now that my children are grown and capable and productive adults. Now, my everyday life is about me and I like comfort. As I believe the majority of mankind does. So I’m no different from anyone else. That’s why I think it’s important to talk about it.
That’s right. I’m talking about comfort. Getting it, and losing it.
Because my comfort-level has just been given a left hook out of nowhere, a blow to the crotch, a serious set-back of epic proportions. In other words I can no longer afford to search for comfort all the time. I have to get serious and now I will explain why.
Here’s the juicy bits, the stuff I don’t tell just anyone until now. Now I’m telling you (feel special). I am fifty-six years old. I am five foot, two inches tall and weigh a hundred and forty-two pounds. No surprise to me. I knew that. In fact, I’ve been meaning (and trying) to lose twenty pounds for donkey’s years. With no success. Mind you, part of the reason for lack of success is that I hate diets, and exercise because – you guessed it – it isn’t comfortable. Not only is diet and exercise uncomfortable, it is boring. Not that I haven’t tried diets. I have. I’ve done the Butter Buster’s diet, the Adkins diet, been a vegetarian, cut back on portions, and “left a little on the plate.” All that and I’ve hardly maintained my weight but rather, I’ve gained weight. Bummer! I’ve packed on five pounds every year for ten years starting at forty, until this past six years where I’ve managed to maintain or only put on a pound a year. Isn’t that funny? Not only is my body’s ability to lose slowed, even my gaining has reached a “snail’s pace”. But no matter what I do, it won’t quit.
I joined the YMCA of Downtown Houston about two years ago. The old 1910 building’s inside air stank, especially if there were enough people (read that as men) working out at the same time. I figured the outside air downtown wasn’t the best quality anyway so being at the gym to work out was much like taking a good long walk around my neighborhood.
This year they opened the new Downtown YMCA. I adore it. It smells good. The pool is a comfortable temperature (yes, comfortable) and the weight machines are new and clean. Airy, bright, every machine hooked up to a computer program that logs on exactly what weights I use and how many pounds I lift. This place rocks! This past Saturday I logged thirty-seven minutes on a treadmill and lifted an impressive 7, 640 pounds.
Okay, now that you’ve not been impressed by my boasting, let me explain. If I lift ten pounds, ten times, that’s a hundred pounds. I do three sets of ten lifts on each machine in my workout. If I walk around and use enough machines I can rack up some astounding poundage. Believe me, it isn’t that impressive. To give a better picture, I’m still in the yellow zone after two years. Like a yellow belt in Karate, I’m a beginner.
So this past week I went to get my body “composition” measurements done. I know I’ve got fat around the middle, the dangerous fat, the kind that holds the insulin and tricks the body into believing it doesn’t have enough insulin, so more insulin is produced thus adding to the fat and not helping a bit. It is also the fat that contributes to heart disease, high cholesterol and a ton of other bad stuff. I know that. I’ve read up on it. Reading up on it doesn’t make it go away. I thought exercise would help. So, on this day, I go to get my body composition stats done so that they will be added into the computer program that my weight lifting and cardio workouts are on.
The young lady takes my height and my weight and enters them into the computer. There’s a chart that pops up. I can see it from across the room. Green, yellow, red. She looks at it, her finger trailing across the range of numbers that look much like the chart on the back of the pantyhose box. She says, “You’re in the normal range.”
“Wow,” I say. “You’re kidding!”
“Nope. Now let’s measure your fat.”
Another young lady enters the room. She will enter the numbers while the first girl measures. I have to take off some layers of clothing, all the way to my T-shirt. It was cold outside. I don’t like cold. It isn’t comfortable.
She takes out a calibration thingy that looks like a cross between a pair of pliers and a drafting compass. She uses a measuring tape to measure an exact distance between my shoulder and elbow. She kneads the fat part at the back of my upper arm, yes, the part that “flaps”, and she pinched it and measured it with the thingy. She said, “Thirty.”
The other girl in the room tapped the computer keyboard.
Girl number one has me roll up my gym pants. She measure from my hip bone to my knee and punches my thigh right in the middle, where the muscle is. I’m proud of that muscle. “Flex!” she says.
“I am,” I say.
She pinches my fat in the thingy. “Forty,” she says.
She lifts my shirt so that my FAT shows. “This is where it’s embarrassing,” I remark.
She doesn’t say anything. She pinches the fat. There’s lots of it. She says, “Forty-two.”
I think – that’s all?
Then, and this is even worse than the fat-omometer. She uses a tape measure. “Chest, thirty-eight, waist, thirty-eight (AACH!) hips, forty-four.”
Oh, now that’s going too far. I can’t be that bad off.
Girl One bends over the computer while Girl Two presses buttons. Girl One straightens up, looks me in the eye and says, “You’re obese.”
“I’m sorry. What? I thought I heard you say ‘obese’.” I chuckle.
“You’re obese. Sorry. It’s what the chart says.”
I’m shocked. “You mean I went from normal to obese? What happened to fat?”
“It’s the chart. Are you exercising?”
“Then you’re doing the right thing. What about your diet?”
“Well, I do like butter and cream.” (fatty meat, gristle, turkey necks, caramel ice cream and any other comfort food out there.)
“Well, you need to think about a diet. Exercise alone isn’t working.”
I’m flabbergasted. “I see,” I say. I don’t like this. I’m not happy. I’m obese. I begin to re-dress in a daze.
Girl One says, “Aren’t you going to stay and exercise?”
“Uh, no, I have something I have to do.” Yeah, like go home and weep.
And eat something.
I need chips.
Girl One says, “If you need anything I’m studying to be a dietitian. I’m here to help. Just ask.”
She’s cute this girl, with her perky nose and gorgeous hair. I hate her. With a pleasant controlled voice, I say, “Um, that’s great. Thank you so much.”
I leave and drive home and sit in a fug of despair for a while. Kimberly calls. I tell her I’m obese. She laughs. “Who told you this thing?” She does great impressions and cheers me up no end.
“The girls at the Y.”
“No, seriously. I’m obese. My fat – it’s taking over.”
“Well, they still lie.”
I’m in a better mood. I decide to hit the library and look at diet books. I get one about the South Beach Diet. I’d heard it was good. I haven’t done that one.
But because I’m a little obsessive and a whole lot research-oriented. I pull book after book from the shelf and check them all out. Ah ha! (throw in evil-genius heinous laugh) I will conquer this obesity by reading about a diet and doing a diet and sticking to a diet. That’s the trouble – I don’t stick to it when I go on a diet. Got to change, I repeat this over and over in my head. Got to change. Got to stick to it.
One of the books I checked out was written by that energetic, exercise guru on “The Biggest Loser” Jillian Michaels. I hate her. Don’t you hate her? She is pretty, and perky, and can afford to be on TV telling people how to lose weight. Ugh! But I know I am insulin resistant, and that has to do with how I metabolize food, so I’ll read a little about what she says. Ugh!
The first few pages are all about her. Oh right, you were a fat kid. Yeah, and I studied to be an astroNOT. But I kept reading. Hmmm. Okay, so this makes sense. It isn’t so much about the amount you eat but WHAT you eat. Duh. But some of this stuff about hormones and estrogen and thyroid and all this is making a lot of sense all of a sudden because I’ve been struggling with hair loss and splotchy, flaky, sallow skin, and weight really since about the age of thirty-four. About two years after my daughter was born. I slowly fell apart physically. By the time I was forty-two I had poly cystic disease of the ovaries and endrometriosis. The pain and such got so bad that I had to have a hysterectomy. And I’ve tried the creams to boost my progesterone and boost my testosterone and taken pills that reek made from the adrenal glands of a pig . . .
And then I read this (quoting from Master Your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels):
NORMAL WEIGHT OBESITY – DO YOU HAVE IT?
Even if you’re not officially overweight, you could be overfat – and that excess fat makes you more susceptible to insulin resistance. Recent Mayo Clinic research show that many normal-weight adults actually have high body fat – greater than 20 percent of men and 30 percent for women – as well as heart and metabolic disturbances. Researchers found this “normal-body-weight obesity” (what I call “skinny fat”) in more than half of the patients with a normal BMI. They also tended to have altered blood lipids (high cholesterol), high leptin (a hormone found in fat that is involved in appetite regulation), and higher rates of metabolic syndrome. Body composition is what really counts, not weight.
Okay, I no longer hate her. I love her. She’s wonderful. She’s nailed it. I’ve got to read this book cover to cover. I’ve got to have this book on my shelf! I’ve got to get control of my body fat. Because right this minute, my body fat is controlling how I feel, what I think, and my comfort level, to the point that it will kill me. And I’d rather not die of fat.
This moment I’m taking medicine for my insulin resistance, my low thyroid, and my high cholesterol. I want to get off some of my medications. I want to get rid of the middle fat that is contributing to my high blood-sugar, and cholesterol and according to this book my low thyroid.
So I’m going to be blogging about this for one hundred days. This is day ninety-seven because for three days I have been eating zero processed sugar (yes, I crave it), and low-fat, high protein stuff.
My breath stinks and I’m tired.
There are lists to be studied of foods that contribute to hormone imbalance such as soy and many processed foods which contain soy which raise estrogen levels in the body. Estrogen contributes to the fat cycle, inhabiting the waist-fat cells and instructing those cells to be fruitful and multiply.
It isn’t about calories and non-fat and non-sugared foods. It’s about processed food that contain unnatural amounts of chemicals that work against weight-loss. It’s about eating healthy foods in healthy quantities. Yes, I must stay away from sugar and fat, but those won’t kill me if they pass through my body without “sticking”. So cheating isn’t an issue. It’s about getting rid of things from my pantry that don’t help. It’s about adding things to the pantry that will help.
So I’m not going to comfortable doing this. I’m going to complain. I’m likely going to be boring. But I will be honest. I will tell about failure.
Note: I”m weak. Heavy emphasis on weak.
Especially about comfort, which I like, just like you do. And ultimately I hope that by being honest, reporting failure when I fail, and success when I succeed, that you will find encouragement to join me.
So two months ago I signed up to do a Sketchbook Project. I didn’t start it until nine days ago and it has to be postmarked and in the mail by January 15th. I work well with deadlines. Yikes!
It is finished.
What is the Sketchbook Project 2011? It is a group project (put on by Art House Co-op) whereby artists all over the world sign up and receive a tiny sketchbook in which to draw, paste, paint, sketch, etc. anything according to the assigned topic. Then the sketchbook is mailed back (on time or else it doesn’t get in!) and then put on tour across the US. Each individual sketchbook is assigned a bar code on its back. That bar code will allow anyone to look up the sketchbook online and look at it, if the tour doesn’t come to your city. Cool, huh?
So I signed up. The topic I chose is Nightmares.
I had lots of ideas in the beginning. My ideas didn’t make any sense when I worked them out. So I was stumped for a while.
Until I came across something in a murder mystery I was reading at that time. It is the title of one of Goya‘s paintings: The Dream of Reason Produces Monsters.
I wanted to practice drawing cats and kittens for another project so I blended the two and came up with Goya’s Cats. It starts out with Goya writing: “There is but one nightmare that haunts the creative spirit, the nightmare of imminent failure.”
I’ve got two more pictures to go before I’m finished with what amounts to a picture book dummy. There aren’t any finished paintings or drawings, more like really rough sketches. Because the paper is like newsprint. But mainly because I’m scrambling to make the deadline.
So I picture Goya, surrounded by his cats (I don’t actually know if he had cats but float along with me here). Next picture is the same only this time Goya has his head on his desk as if he has given up. The next few pictures are all of his paintings and sketches with cats here and there. The ending shows Goya watching one of his cats sleep and wondering what cats dream about.
Who doesn’t wonder what cats dream about? So Goya wondered, would they dream of things they eat? Perhaps things they would like to eat? Then he comes up with a wild thought that maybe “The Dream of Cats produces Mice”. This leads him to a brilliant idea for another painting, which he accomplishes. It becomes, of course, his most famous painting.
All because of the cats. Which is all fictional. But you knew that.
It’s a silly heading. I’ve been thinking about logos for a few weeks. I saw a billboard with holiday wishes from a local seafood restaurant and wondered why they hadn’t taken advantage of the obvious. I’ve come up with a few billboards over the past few months. Such as:
In my head I have this great picture of my dog as an advertisement about the importance of
adopting from the pound or a shelter. The camera angle is from my point of view as I’m sitting, looking down. It’s Big Boy with his paw on my knee and his big “bulldog” eyes looking up at me as if to say “Thanks for rescuing me. Now, please give me whatever it is you’re eating.”
Another of my billboards is a clean up Houston campaign. It’s a picture of a woman walking away from the camera. She’s obviously in her home. She’s tossing a fast-food drink container over her shoulder, discarded liquid arcs across the scene. The heading would be “You wouldn’t do this in your living room, would you?” Next line: “Keep Houston Clean.” Pales like vanilla ice cream when I see it in writing.
So I’ve got this idea of red and green fish with holiday hats tail-dancing across the space singing “Happy Holidays” and the caption below . . . well, you get it.
Thing is, the billboards are going, going, gone. No more billboards in Houston, as their lease runs out, so they are removed. Hallelujah! The idea is to leave air space along the roads. No more ugly. I’m all for it. In 1982, when I graduated from Texas Academy of Art, a month’s rental of decent billboard space was $12,000 a month. It went up considerably in the last thirty years. A tiny billboard of perhaps ten feet across and twelve feet off the ground in Sugar Land was $8,000 a month in 2004. That’s the size of a poster board when you are traveling at sixty miles an hour down the road.
I haven’t been well. I’ve had a cold all week. It’s New Year’s Eve as I write this. Happy New Year. 2011! Hip! Hip! I’m better now. But it’s been a rough go. The first day of it was last Monday, the day after we returned from Arkansas. We went to Arkansas on Friday and came home on Sunday. Britt was sick with a cold. This means Amy and I were shut up in the car with his illness all weekend. I didn’t sleep at all last night, due to taking too much codeine. Codeine is good, apparently, because it muddles your brain into believing you don’t need to cough any longer.
A little about Christmas songs. I had this sudden brain storm last week (Christmas) that these Christmas songs were just a little bit toooooo happy. Suspiciously happy. Don’t-cha think? Honestly? Don’t-cha hear -Methinks she protests too much? I mean, who is really happy at Christmas? I don’t see very many happy people. It’s the kids. They are really happy up until Christmas. Then they aren’t exactly happy, either. Not at Christmas. It’s always “Is this all I got?”
Okay, maybe I’m being extreme. My children have grown up into really great people who ask why we are still spoiling them.
I never, ever thought I would say it, but my parents were right. Christmas is way too over the top with commercialism. It’s all about the decorations, the music, the events, the parties, the presents, the family (everybody’s got to be made happy – see the movie: Four Christmases), what to get, what to give, where to go, what to do. I started to think about this years ago really when my father was still alive. I thought about maybe escaping to Tahiti for Christmas or somewhere that wasn’t very Christmas-y and maybe not give gifts at all between my husband and children. Then I spent the Christmas of 2007 mostly at the hospital with my dying father and I was glad we hadn’t taken any of those past Christmases away from him with his grandchildren. And now my mother is 85 – and how many more years will she be with us? So maybe Christmas has to be pared down right here and now. Maybe we can do this.
I know that this year I didn’t pull the tree down from the attic and do the home decor up big like I usually do. I like Christmas and decorating and being extravagant but this year I wasn’t feeling it. I couldn’t get past that dullness either. Maybe it was this cold virus knocking at my bronchial tubes like tuning forks and waiting for the opportune moment to pop forth as the most awful cold I’ve had in five years or more. I don’t know. I tried to put on a happy face and liven up Christmas at my mother-in-law’s. She’s a dear lady and I love her much. I’m afraid the liven up thing didn’t work.
And I missed the Christmas Eve service this year.
I went to a Christmas Eve service at an Episcopal Church last year. Wow. Gorgeous. I’ve never seen anything quite so fancy and colorful. The music made me think a bit of heaven’s own choral beauty had streamed down to our ears that night. Maybe these services were designed originally to have us common folks thinking that. Perfection made corporeal. I was brought up in simpler church thinking, which matters not. God is God in the greatest as He is in the smallest. Elijah found him not in the fire, nor the wind but in the still small voice. It’s not as if He needs us to advertise for Him. (i.e. billboards – God listens). Though some, and especially ME, need to be reminded about things:
As I listen to the winter rain dripping from the roof outside, and silver drops slide down the panes of my study window, wishes for warmth and sunshine aren’t far.
In the summer of 1978 Travis Lake in Austin had been engineered into a bigger lake but hadn’t filled completely. This feat of man’s desire had so far created several stump-studded inlets and striations of deep water surrounded by piles of boulders.
I had traveled from Houston with a group of church friends to swim and frolic in the sun beside one deep part. All around the lake, bright parties of sun-seekers sprawled on warm rock amidst drifting Marijuana smoke. I had only recently completed a course in lifesaving. It meant that I could swim a mile, seventy-five laps to be exact. I stood and declared that I would swim across the inlet. (Because I was prone to declaring and still am, so watch it!) It was less than a mile, probably seven hundred feet in width.
But then came the spanner in the works ~ friend Don decided he would go with me.
Don was sweet but he had just learned to swim. That compounded with the fact that he had a mild case of cerebral palsy so that his left side was slightly crippled meant I didn’t trust that he should swim across and said so. He insisted he could, besides he mentioned that I had been the one with training as a lifeguard. What is it about guys that they make such declarations in the face of facts.
I protested strongly, appealing to those around us. No help there. There was nothing for it but to do or die. I’m afraid the die part came much too close.
We started strong, swimming side-by-side. The water was warm and clear, but too deep to see the bottom. Small talk didn’t last. Don’s strokes weren’t strong and he appeared winded. It wasn’t until we were halfway across that the trouble began. Don started breathing harder, his breath coming in short gasps. I glanced over at him and his face was anxious and red. I asked, “What’s wrong?”
“I can’t go on.”
“I can’t.” His voice was thin, strained, catching between gasps.
“You have to!” I insisted, starting to feel panicky myself. “I can’t help you.”
“Life . . . saving . . .” He choked on a mouthful of lake.
“You’ll have to let me drag you.” I worked my way around behind him, swung an arm around his bare chest and hooked him with one hand in the pit of his arm. Immediately he gripped my arm with both hands and started to thrash pulling me under beneath him. I jerked away and pushed him with my feet. He fought me. I socked him. He let go. I came to the top and screamed, “What was that?”
He gasped, “I’m going down.”
He gurgled, thrashing weakly.
“Keep swimming! Help! Help!” Crowds lined the shore in the complete semi-circle around us. Desperate, I waved with both hands. Amidst laughter, a few waved back. “Help us! We aren’t joking.”
Still nothing. Oh Lord! Help us!
Don was barely moving forward. Like a great ship beaten in war, he was taking on too much water. We were probably two hundred yards from shore when he said, “That’s it. Goodbye.”
He sank beneath the waves.
Dear Lord, help us! Don’t let Don die like this.
Then, and this is the part that happened too fast for me to actually have any reaction save astonishment but this IS what happened, Don shot up out of the water. I couldn’t even now describe what happened in any other way. There was a man beneath him, raising him. Where had this stranger come from? He cradled Don in his muscular arms and turned to me and asked if I needed help. I told him I could make it. We swam to shore in silence. Once ashore, the stranger helped Don to a dry boulder. A crowd surrounded us at once. Many explained they thought we were playing out there. I turned to thank the stranger, but he was gone.
I asked others where the big guy who had rescued Don went. No one knew what I was talking about. No one had seen the rescue. We were flailing in the middle and then we were crawling out of the water. Don knew there was someone else out there but hadn’t seen where he’d gone either. I couldn’t describe the man. He had long hair but all the guys in the seventies had long hair. I couldn’t tell you what his face looked like, the color of his eyes, only that he had muscular arms.
Today, I reflect that if Don had passed into eternity that day it would have taken me a long time to get over it. I would have been angry, blamed myself, all kinds of mess would define my life. But it didn’t happen that way. Don lived. The last I heard he was doing what he had always wanted to do – be an airplane mechanic in Seattle.
In 1996, I was in a van with six other ladies on Saturday afternoon. We had been out in the Round Top, Texas area looking at antiques after enjoying a good time together at a ladies Bible study retreat. From here on what I retell will be what I have been told because I can not recall any of it.
Our van had slowed and come to a stop to turn left off of the highway. A small truck traveling at about 55 miles an hour slammed into the back of the van sending it spinning across the highway and head-on into a ditch between two live oak trees. I was the last one pulled from the accordioned van. I was lengthwise down the middle aisle of the seats covered by the decorative paneling and window blinds and other van parts which hid my body from the paramedics.
I first became aware of the dark because it was growing lighter. There were waves of gray all around me. I couldn’t see anything but the curtains of different shades of gray. I heard the voices. They were discussing my condition. Would I make it? I had to, I replied. I had to live. I couldn’t die. I had small children. They couldn’t grow up without a mother. But the voices didn’t pay any attention to my distressed answers. They spoke over me. They didn’t speak English. I couldn’t tell what kind of language it was and I couldn’t figure out why I understood it so well. This back and forth took some time. I don’t know how long, just that it seemed time passed in squiggly lines of gray. Finally, the consensus was that I would live. Or was it that I would get to live. Because God wanted me to live.
I recall bits and snatched views of people I knew. They spoke around me, it seemed, as if I wasn’t there. Asking me what I thought were ridiculous questions and then roaring with laughter. I was quite serious about my answers but everyone else thought I was a hoot. I was puzzled as to why I couldn’t see them. I thought my eyes were covered but I touched them, they weren’t. I kept trying to explain that we were in the hospital because of the pine cone fight. Hoots. Pine cones hurt, you know. Laughter. What happened to the ducks? Ducks? The ones all around us. More laughter. I couldn’t grasp why they didn’t understand the seriousness of the situation. The situation about the pine cones and the ducks.
When I came to, the first thing I remember was the clock on the wall was upside down. Someone bent over me and their face wasn’t right. It was wavy and all nose. Whoever it was probably wouldn’t want to be remembered like that, but there you have it.
The second time I came to, my husband was sitting at the end of my bed. He asked me how I was. I asked him where I was. The hospital. It was Monday. That is really NO way to wake up from the weird pine cone fight dreams, I can tell you. I didn’t understand why I was in a hospital. That was when he explained I had been in a wreck. I was most concerned about where the children were. They were staying with friend, Wayne and Shirley Pittman. The second thing I was most concerned in what I now think was an absolutely over-the-top way was the dog. Where was he? Did he have water? I wanted to know details. About the others in the van. Yes, they had been hurt. Mostly stitches and staples and bruised innards. None in the hospital.
The young man who had hit us had been drinking and was reaching for something when he ran into us. Didn’t even see us. The van’s gas tank had imploded upon impact, all the windows except the front one were gone instantly. My seat belt had torn, my captain’s chair shorn from its base. All the other seats had gone flat back and the other passengers watched my rag-doll-like body thrown from front to back several times as the van spun. I had concussion with mild brain trauma, the bruising that occurs when the brain is jostled inside the skull. The real damage wouldn’t be apparent perhaps right away.
Over time I had to deal with speech problems – lost nouns, halting speech, and unable to co-ordinate the tongue during speech so that I would bite it – loss of some long-term and a lot of short-term memory, depression and uncontrollable emotional outbursts, loss of the brain’s maps of time, dates, what the days of the week look like, over-impulsive lack of judgment meant I couldn’t drive for some months (though now I regret I didn’t go out and buy a Mercedes and blame it on impulsive disorder).
I determined to get better and believe I’ve achieved that goal over the years though I still get flustered when I lose the word I can see in my head like on the computer screen in front of me, but can’t find the name of. This willy-nilly speech problem led me to finally pursue my life-goal of writing novels. Because tomorrow is never a guarantee, there is no putting off until I “get around to it”. I do as much as I can every day. Writing is also a wonderful tool of speech therapy, searching, always searching for the perfect word.
The accident changed me in more ways, too. I remember after the accident as my full body bruise turned from black to blue to green and yellow, I would sit outside and stare at nothing and reflect that life goes on with or without me. I have very little to do with the running of life. There is peace in that.
The accident gave me a certain understanding of eternity. Beyond the waving gray are the angels. They don’t know the future but they know that God holds the future. And this is as it should be. I was given another day just as Don was given another day. We can’t thank the angels. They don’t stick around for us to thank them. They want us to thank the One who deserves our thanks. To God be the glory.